Take Me Away to the Start
by Moro-moro
Summary: The question that led to the start in the land of cherry blossoms.


_**A/N**: This was originally uploaded to dA for a contest; now that the contest is over, I thought I would share this here. I know it's been a while, and I feel bad for my first update here in a year is a one-shot, but life is a cruel mistress._

_

* * *

_**Take Me Away to the Start**_  
_

It was hard to say that he hadn't thought about it before. As familiar as he was with the territory of lies, he couldn't bring himself all the way into this particular one. It would be lying to the very core of his being—not to say, that is, he had problems lying to himself—_oh no_. Lies were his bread and butter; his voice, creamy and sensual, well it was simply _made_ for it. They spilled from his lips in purrs and laughs and gasping breaths. But this… this was a different sort of lie, it hurt to think of; it made his chest ache and his heart writhe in skipping contractions that made his fingers cold and his cheeks hot.

Oh, yes; it was hard to say he hadn't thought about it. To say he had, to capitulate to the aches and pains and burns… what a sweet feeling. It spread like a fire, softening everything, loosening and wriggling deep into the cracks, and dammit, he was losing. It was like being free… a certain sort of free where you don't notice the bars around you until your wings get caught and crumple and fall and— he had fallen. There was only the momentary taste of freedom on his tongue, swept off his feet by demons that were so painfully literal and intangibly embedded into everything.

It was cold against his neck. The sheath was like ice; he tipped his head to the side, wincing and smiling bemusedly. He closed his eyes; he could feel it—the wall that had crumbled like a deck of cards on impact, glass and stone and mortar, grinding into his spine and the way his ankle throbbed and swelled with each frantic, limping jump of his heart and how unbearably hot he felt. He'd never… never…

He'd never been so horribly embarrassed in his life. He could feel it, all of it. How terribly he'd lost their game—that's all it was, that's what it was in the beginning, and that's what it would always be. It would be easy to say that he hadn't thought about it; had he lied to himself, he wouldn't _be_ like this.

All hopes… what was there left to hope for? It had been crumpled, crunched and thrown back in his face the second he'd let some small sliver of _maybe… just maybe_ flare inside of him. The wind of the dying sigh of the demons had extinguished that small candle that burned.

"…That means that I'm the type of person you hate the most," Fai said with a grin, glad that he'd caught himself before it became too much. If after a few moments of that small flicker it hurt this much, then… how badly would it have hurt to let the flame grow, to stoke it with small thoughts and misinterpretations and actual _hope_?

He was glad that Kurogane had managed to put him in his place before that happened. Of _course_ Kurogane hated him. There was no chance of companionship between them—not now, nor had there ever been any sort of camaraderie there. How had he forgotten… how had he allowed himself to think for one moment that he was—

Love was not something Fai let himself indulge in. He caught himself.

—

He was only doing this because he had to. Because somehow, teaching a kid swordsmanship and helping retrieve glowing feathers across worlds would teach him something he already knew. He was doing this, not because he was proud of the little mousy kid, or because he had something he wanted to prove to that bastard with the blue eyes, but because it was something Tomoyo willed him to do.

Yeah. That's why he was here. Not because he needed to kill as many as the damn oni as he could to feel like he could _do something this time-! _

How could he let himself get worked up over that bastard! He thought, for a split second, that maybe—

No. Of course not. Damn thing wouldn't die, couldn't die, whatever. Not under his own steam. He was furious; how had he allowed himself to get so… scared? The magician had looked broken, so much like the wall he'd landed on; it would have been easy for the impact to have shattered every bone in the blonde's body, he was thin and frail and more made for acrobatics and dodging than impact… Kurogane was absolutely livid; how dare the blonde instill such a carnal shock inside of him, and then laugh it off like he was thrown about like a rag doll every day?

He wondered what would happen if he slid his blade out for real—had he still had a sword, damn cheap knock-off wannabe; if he hadn't given Ginryuu to that…ah, that was beside the point. He could see it flickering in the aftershock, something real, something to dig his fingers into, to pry out. That something looked broken and hurt and ashamed, and somehow, it looked good on the mage's dirty face. It cemented the blonde to the flickering reality. It made Kurogane even angrier. There were few things that he _didn't _hate, but the thing he hated most was the smile that came seconds after the reality.

He hated the fact that the mage had little care for a place called home, when he would give a thousand swords to go back and prove himself. He hated that he could see strength and tactical skill rippling under the surface of the magician's skin, yet he did nothing with it. That careless smile—he could have died, and yet, he didn't care. That smile—it was begging for the sheathe to turn into a blade, and Kurogane could tell that Fai wanted something from him. He couldn't tell if what the blonde wanted was death or salvation, but Kurogane would not oblige him either. He forced himself to not care. Emotion was a dangerous thing; hating Fai to the extent that he had—

It was almost like caring. And the only person Kurogane would allow himself to care for was worlds away. Fai could not save him or take him across the worlds to Nihon, so he shouldn't bother with the blasted man, and yet.

It was the 'and yet' that was bothering him so much. He was so angry; he didn't arbitrarily speak, but he found himself furiously trying to push Fai back. It wasn't like what he was saying wasn't true, but he found himself hard-pressed to admit that he truly hated Fai _himself_.

Sure, he hated many, many things about the man, but the face Fai made right before smiling was… it was… He felt—

Speechless, almost. There was no way to combat that without admitting that he had become used to the blonde, become fond of the kid and the princess… Had almost begun to forget…

He caught himself, glad for the bartender's interruption.

He was only here because he had to be. He was not fond of them. He was not friends with them. Hate… yes. That was the word. He _hated people_ _like _Fai. He would not answer the question that arose:

Well, yes, people _like _Fai, but what about the man himself?

It was a dangerous thought. Nothing more needed to be spoken; he'd gotten his point across and made it clear to who it mattered. If it was clear as mud to him, well, it didn't matter. It could be easily forgotten.

He caught himself in the midst of it; it was not too late. He could distance them further if he wanted to. If he wanted to…

—

Fai wasn't too sure what he wanted anymore. When they first started out, all he wanted was to be normal for once, blend in and maybe… maybe get a shot at death. Fear was tiring. Lies, he soon learned, were hard. Everything was so predictable. Sakura and Syaoran were painfully cute. Smiling was hard, like always. In the beginning, Kurogane was so easy and fun to tease. Slowly, he wondered if the man would kill him if he provoked him enough. It was a stupid wish.

He didn't think he wanted that anymore. Granted, everything would be easier if Kurogane killed him. It definitely made everything just a little more complicated to feel the way he did.

He was such a fool. Kurogane roughly helped him to his feet, and he grit his teeth as he gimped his way out of the rubble. He could feel his ankle swell against his socks. He didn't want this. He closed his eyes, half wishing they were a little further away. Just a little longer. "It's not horrible, Kuro-wanwan," he said, straightening. He altered his balance slightly, trying to put as much weight as he could on his uninjured foot. He was a fool. What was he doing? He wanted—so much—Kurogane was warm and it made his face hot and his fingers chilled and—no—no— He slid away from the arm that had been offered to him quite begrudgingly when Fai found he couldn't rise on his own to go to the bar that was only a few feet away.

"Your face says it hurts," the man grunted. Fai shook his head, beaming. Kurogane looked away, marching to the entrance.

Fai took a step forward, his breath hitching in a sharp gasp as he was forced to put pressure on his ankle. He bit the inside of his lip. He did not want Kurogane's help. That was humiliating. He'd made a decision, why was he wavering like this? He was not some small little pet to be pitied and poked at and toyed with.

Kurogane looked over his shoulder at the blonde, who was grimacing with every tentative lean forward, caught in an endless half-step. He couldn't seem to move from the awkward position he'd put himself in. The man found himself understanding. This was dignity; it didn't look like it, but Fai was… embarrassed. He was trying to regain a sense of control. Kurogane had a sudden surge of empathy towards the mage. He understood that feeling. He was still caught in it himself.

"Tch. Liar," he shot across the small space between them. Fai's smile was more obviously forced now, and he reached out to brace himself against the wall.

"I didn't want to trouble poor Black Doggie," Fai said, using the wall to hobble a few inches, then was stuck as it morphed into a corner.

"Your face troubles me," Kurogane shot back, moving forward giving Fai his arm again. He tried to ignore the way Fai's cool fingers clamped around his bicep, leaning into him every other step. Almost too quickly, they were inside the bar, and he found himself wishing that they'd had their fight just a little farther away. He was such a fool.

—

_Take me—_

_ Take me—_

_ Someplace far away…_

_ Take me…to a true elsewhere_

_ My first thought…_

Fai was watching the woman with such a dopey look on his face, Kurogane thought. Fai sighed wistfully. "What a lovely song…"

_Tsurete itte…_

_ Yume no mukou he…_

Kurogane harrumphed. "If you want to go somewhere so badly, then don't ask, just go."

Fai paused, then grinned. Ah… of course… Kurogane wouldn't understand. What it was like to be trapped, to yearn… to want… He wanted nothing more, in that moment, to be swept away from it all, from curses, from hesitance, from lies. Every world was the same. There would be no salvation. No escape. He wanted… no one would come and take him away. Not the King, not Yuuko, not even Kurogane. "Kuro-chan," he said, voice stern despite the smile, "You are the only one who would do that, you know?"

_Tsurete itte…_

_ Toki no hate he…_

_ My last wish… _

"Mmm… how do I put this…?" He moved forward, setting his hands against his face, staring fondly at the singer. He knew. He understood. Had he been before the Witch now… ah… but… he doubted she would grant it; for the only thing he had to offer was this sweet feeling in his chest, that soft longing that he had caught, but allowed to slip through his fingers… and this was something he wanted to keep with him. Maybe it could blossom, maybe it could turn so strong that would no longer be a simple wish, maybe it could spark into some sort of hope, even if it was unrequited. "Because… I too have been waiting."

_Tsurete itte…_

"Waiting for someone who can stay by my side," he said with such a sad smile that Kurogane flinched. "Waiting for the one who could come and take me away." Fai looked up, surveyed the man's face, then smiled brightly.

"Haha! There I go, saying things that you don't like!" Fai laughed, feeling himself crumble again. So hard… so very, very hard. Opening himself only to have himself broken and crushed, and why… why had he allowed himself to think that maybe… Kurogane could have answered. Even if it was something stupid like… oh, Fai didn't know, even if the swordsman had answered something trite like, "Well, we're stuck with each other, isn't that good enough?". But that, evidently… was too much to hope for.

Kurogane saw it, the soft flash of reality again. But it was too much, Fai wanted too much, hoped for too much, and he saw it in the blonde's eyes and it scared him. It… scared him. How could a man want so much so badly? "Song's over," he said gruffly, turning from Fai.

—

_Tsurete itte… _

_ Hoshi no hate he…_

_ My last wish…_

He was singing that damn song; moving slowly about the parlor, singing as he cleaned their tables and straightened the café up for the night. Kurogane leaned against the doorframe, watching as the blonde hummed the words he didn't know.

"Thought you were drunk, bastard."

Fai jumped, looking positively guilty. He smiled sheepishly, leaning against the bar as he sat on the stool. "Well. You see. I am maybe a little tipsy, but nowhere near the idea—but… really, Kuro-pup! You shouldn't sneak up on people!"

Kurogane rolled his eyes, crossing his arms irately. "Your ankle?" he said in clipped tones.

"While dropping people is quite an unconventional treatment," Fai said, as frostily as he could manage, "I'm better."

Kurogane rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue, moving to sit next to the blonde. "Look, it's not like I intended for you to get dropped."

Fai laughed, voice melodic and soft as he poured Kurogane a drink, then one from himself. "I understand. It was a shock." He shook his head, taking a sip of the alcohol. It was bitter against his tongue and it stung on the way down, pricking the back of his eyeballs. "So… you're that loyal to her? Your princess…?"

"Yes. I've said it before; I will only ever serve under her."

"Ah…" Fai turned his head away, staring out the moon-lit window. The wind was blowing slowly, pink blossoms falling like snow. The moon was swollen, bright.

Kurogane scowled. Fai's sigh sounded like the ocean, endless and infinite. It sounded like it came up from the blonde's heart, the eternal dying breath of something.

"It must be nice, to have someone to return to… to have somewhere to return to," the blonde continued. "So I imagine Kuro-sama will depart with us even if we land in his world next…?"

Kurogane didn't answer. He shifted, disgruntled by the question that sounded like an accusation. Fai continued; Kurogane stared. The blonde's shoulders slumped and his hair shifted, bright-white in the moonshine.

"It's a good thing he's teaching Syaoran-kun to fight! I'm not much help!"

Nothing came as an answer. Kurogane continued to stare, and if Fai had cared to look at him, it almost looked like his face was frozen in some form of disbelief and hurt.

Fai closed his eyes, then took another sip of his sake, firming his back. He turned his eyes to the clock in front of him, humming to himself.

"Oi, quit singing that song," Kurogane grunted, his empty glass chinking against the bar as he slammed it down in irritation. "It's annoying."

"Mmm, seems that's all I can do. Annoy you, that is," Fai laughed.

"That's not—"

Fai paused, glass mid-air as he turned to look at Kurogane, a soft smile on his lips. He could accept that he would lose to the faceless princess in another world. "Nee~ Kuro-wan, surely there's someone you want to take away, to go with!" He supplied happily.

The man shook his head. "No," he said finally. "Nothing like that."

Fai pursed his lips, setting his glass back down, folding his hands around it. He watched the second hand tick slowly, moving time along. He could feel Kurogane by his side where the man always seemed to be; he wouldn't be there forever, Fai reminded himself. One day, he would be alone. Rather, he always was alone, just… companionably so. "Not… not even your princess?" he murmured quietly, the words spilling away.

"Why go somewhere? I never wanted to leave where I was. Leaving… just seems… over the top. Pointless."

Fai sighed, shaking his head. "Ah…"

There it was again, that sigh. Kurogane looked sharply at Fai, watching the way the man tracked the clock with his eyes and breathed slowly. Fai was far too lucid to be tipsy, or drunk even. "So why are you so hell-bent on having someone take you away? Do it yourself, damn mage."

Fai shook his head. "I told you, someone like Kurogane is the only one who would do that. I'm waiting." He paused for a long time, looking into his glass. "I'll always be waiting… the one who could take me, won't. There will be no one to stay by my side." He suddenly looked over at Kurogane, his smile on full force. "Well, beside Sakura-chan and Syaoran-kun~!"

Kurogane felt himself grow angry; he almost shook with it. He wanted to wipe that smile off Fai's face, punch it off, do something—! He snatched the collar of Fai's pajamas in his fist, pulling the blonde forward until they were face to face; "Liar! Stop that! I told you, people like you—who lie—who give up all hope—!"

Fai smile did not waver, it grew. "Then why waste your time with me?" He was a fool, continuing. He had to be some sort of masochist; his heart was going to explode. His lungs were going to give up. He almost felt like crying.

"I'm waiting for you to ask, dammit!" Kurogane pushed Fai back, leaning away from the blonde with his arms crossed against his chest. Yes… that was it. He wanted Fai to ask him. There was no knowing what he would say if Fai did ask; he had a promise to keep and oaths to uphold. He would leave if the next world was Nihon. His eyes made that plain. Even if he said yes, he would not be there forever. He could not promise that.

"Kuro-sama… no."

Fai's voice was flat. He turned his eyes away, for once not smiling. "No," he repeated. "Sorry. That's not fair." He stood, turning away. "Please don't try to make a fool out of me like that. Next time… Next time, I might fall for it."

Kurogane caught Fai's arm, scowling at the man deeply. "I'm telling you, you can ask. I don't get it, if you want to be taken away so badly, take some action and at least ask!"

Fai shook his head, trying to wiggle away. Kurogane held tighter. The blonde man turned back, glaring at Kurogane. "This isn't something that you can just demand! I don't want to be dumped somewhere, I want someone—to stay with—!"

He'd only just become aware of it himself, so why—how could Kurogane have known—this wasn't what he wanted! Kurogane was closing in on him, soon they were too close. Face to face they stood, Fai finding himself quite dizzy. Maybe he was fooling himself and he was drunk.

Their lips meshed, and Fai was sure he'd passed out somewhere. Maybe he should swear off alcohol for the time being, it would be most wise—and oh…

The blonde reached up and gently touched Kurogane's face; "Well… maybe… I could…"

"Then ask, mage."

"…Are you the one who's come to take me away?"

And they would work it out from there, because the starting point was all that really matters.


End file.
